Introduction
Rafela Lehtme and Karmen Toros recently published in the Child and Adolescent Social Work Journal (2022) exploring the perceptions of parents who used a bird’s nest arrangement of shared custody after separation. Bird’s nesting is a post-separation living arrangement where children remain in one residence and the parents rotate in and out on a negotiated schedule.
Shared Custody and the Best Interests Principle
Research shows the shared custody arrangements foster secure attachment for children and reduce separation anxiety. Shared custody includes all situations where both parents care for the children after separation and can reside with the child for a substantial number of nights.
Compared to sole custody, where the child has limited contact with the non-custodial parent, shared custody arrangements are more child-friendly and in line with the best interests principle. The best interests of the child principle is a foundation of children’s rights as recognized by the UN. The basic concept involves doing whatever is deemed best for the child.
Despite the benefits, shared custody remains challenging for children, as it disrupts their lifestyle and stability and is associated with health and adjustment concerns, such as physical and mental stresses from constantly moving and inflexible timetables. Bird’s nest parenting is guided by the parents’ desire to act in the best interests of their children, holding the view that children should not suffer due to parents’ separation.
Background of the Study
Lehtme and Toros sought to gain insight into the strengths and weaknesses of the bird’s nest living arrangement in supporting the child’s best interest by surveying parents’ experiences and perceptions.
Through social media, the researchers invited Estonian families who had experience with bird’s nest parenting to participate in the study. The divorce rate in Estonia is one of the highest in Europe and also has nearly 60% of children born outside marriage, inviting consideration of separations between cohabiting parents also. Estonian family law grants both parents equal rights towards their children declaring a joint right to custody.
The study included seven parents (four mothers and three fathers) and was exploratory in nature. For specifics of the participants bird’s nest arrangements, see Table 1 in the article – it outlines the length of experience, ages of children, housing arrangement, initiator, and other context for each family. At the time of the study, all the participant’s children had experience with both nesting and traveling lifestyles, either before, during or after the main nesting period.
Paths to Bird’s Nest Parenting
The parents all shared the spontaneous nature of the process leading to a bird’s nest arrangement, “all participants expressed that it was an unplanned outcome of the parents’ joint efforts and actions that “felt right” at the given time” (Lehtme & Toros, 2022, p.6).
Although it appeared spontaneous, there were reasons for decision:
- The belief that the responsibility for the difficult choices and actions belonged to the parents (did not want the children to suffer).
- Guided by the parents mutual will to act in the best interests of the children.
- Both parents wanted to remain active in the children’s lives while recognizing the importance of the other parent’s presence.
Benefits of Bird’s Nest Parenting
The study identified the following benefits to the arrangment:
- Benefits of a single, stable physical setting. The participants described how the nesting home gave their children physical and emotional stability, helping them to lead more balanced and peaceful lives.
- Practical conveniences of a single home. A single nesting home was viewed as particularly convenient for storage purposes, providing freedom from packing and the concern about having the necessities readily available, and contributed to a peaceful mental state for all family members; “packing only for themselves was considered far less stressful and time-consuming compared to helping several kids pack” (Lehtme & Toros, 2022, p.10).
- Benefits related to relationships between family members. Several parents reported that nesting encouraged them to be more constructive and open communication with the ex-partner, which eventually helped them to overcome tense relationship issues. Parents found the communication to be more frequent and comprehensive during nesting compared to when the children rotated living places.
- Parents have their own private space. “The participants emphasized that having their own private space and time helps them to focus on their own needs, which, in turn, enables them to improve their relationships with the children” (Lehtme & Toros, 2022, p.11).
Shortcomings of Bird’s Nest Parenting
- Some parents considered the constant packing and moving burdensome. Issues with moving and packing were related to the organization of an alternative household and well-thought-out solutions eased matters considerably.
- The financial cost. Most parents admitted that it requires a steady income, with both parents being financially independent.
- This arrangement can be both emotionally and practically challenging, as it requires frequent communication with the ex-partner.
- Concern over giving children false hope about their parents’ reunification was identified as a negative aspect of nesting. This risk was associated with the parents’ ability to explain the finality of the separation and the children’s capacity to accept it.
Conclusion
With nesting, parents ensure their child’s right to a stable home by taking on the responsibility of moving themselves. One of the main findings of the study, that having a stable location profoundly impacts all aspects of health and well-being, is of central importance to consider in the context of shared parenting. The main strength of nesting arrangements is the maintenance of a safe, stable environment with familiar routines, which promotes children’s health and well-being (p.14).
Most parents did not perceive the arrangement as an obstacle to new relationships, and several participants had steady partners during long-term nesting.
There is a need for alternative, child-friendly post-divorce living arrangements and bird’s nest parenting has the poten- tial to be one of those options.
Additional reading on this topic from a trusted source:
The Government of Canada’s Making Plans: A Guide to Parenting Arrangements After Separation or Divorce.
In the US, New York Court’s Parent Resources website.
